KC Zoo Tiger Donation

To help fulfill Mason's dream and help the Tigers:
KC Zoo Attn Laura Berger "In Memory of Mason Kempf" 6800 Zoo Dr Kansas City, MO 64132

For the beauty of Snow and Magic on Christmas :
Elves of Christmas Present PO Box 3535
Olathe, KS 66063

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Open the door

"Today is the day".  I have said this over and over. Today is the day, I get organized, laundry will get caught up, the house will be clean, I'll play with Ally, I'll work on this and that, etc.   I am a stickler when it comes to thank-yous.  It is very important for me to send thank-yous and I am so behind that instead of writing one, I move on. Those thank-yous are in the back of my mind, and I am thinking of ones I needed to write months ago.  When I mention thank-yous, most tell me, "no problem, no need".  But that isn't like me. In my heart those thank-yous remain and I remember.

I am behind, I recently forgot to send a birthday card to one of my very best friends. This wasn't the first. What was I thinking? It's simple little things and I feel rotten.  There are no excuses.  "So today is the day", I replay in my head.  But the hours disappear.  There is a lost library book, forgotten birthday cards, a house of clutter, a book I need to read, etc. This is NOT me. 
I dreamed of an empty house last night, it was not our house, but it was so comforting.  Thinking about it makes me sad that an empty house brought comfort.  I guess it is a sign I need to spring clean some more.   I was told grief is to blame for all this mix-up, messed up, inability to prioritize, etc, etc..  Grief is not brief; it resides forever inside.  Fear, anxiety, emptiness, guilt, sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion, pain, despair, are friends of grief that attack without warning. I just wanted to share grief with you.  Grief brings all sorts of experiences and the clutter to the table. It can't be swept away or thrown away.   I am not trying to get rid of grief, our family carries it with us. And we are not alone.
Thank you for listening, it helps to share, to write, to know we are not alone.  There are days we carry on and grief keeps its distance, that's when guilt knocks on our door.  But we open the door.


Deanna said...

Thank you for sharing with us, Andria. Please give yourself time. Grief is never-ending, but will become more manageable. Hugs and Prayers from Deanna

Anonymous said...

Andria, Don't beat yourself up, this is a difficult journey. Dawn reminded me that in school you were such a great runner and how she admired your ability. After you get the kids off to school put on those running shoes and off you go. Running gets those endorphins popping in the brain. If you need help organizing and cleaning call me - just say the word - you know "Miss Type A" and how I managed the office at work. I would love to help you.


Anonymous said...

Just know that we all share in your grief but nobody can imagine how you feel (nor do we want to). We all LOVE you and support you. No need for thank you cards...we should all be sending you one. For sharing Mason with us and your journey.
Please take care of yourself. Have you thought of talking to someone? It may seem strange but it helped me a long time ago with a lose I had. Just talking to someone in person and telling them your feelings and confusion and anger. LET IT OUT. To us, to them, to anyone.