Yesterday was unbearable. I felt trapped in a stage where nothing will ever get better. How can we move forward when pain keeps pulling us in the wrong direction? I can't even look at the word "grieve". I won't even describe my heart as I drove to pick up the death certificate. I know it's just a piece of paper, it's amazing how a piece of paper can cut your heart in two. A piece of PAPER, I will never gaze my eyes upon. It seems like yesterday we were signing papers that Mason would be ours forever, excitement in the air, a new changed me, I was a MOM!!
And here I continue to pour out my heart...I know it may seem strange to some. You know sharing our personal feelings and such. But it's those moments throughout this journey we experienced the love and compassion from complete strangers. We found a new meaning to life leaving our hearts wide open. We all live, we all poop and we all die. And we are not alone, unfortunately childhood cancer effects other families too. Others have to experience the same indescribable pain.
As I've said before; tomorrow starts a new day. Old memories swirl in my head and I am reminded of an old quote, "What are you going to paint today?" Today starts a fresh new canvas. It's your day! Pain will always be here, but it doesn't stop us from standing up and making a difference. Someone reminded me, "We are still a family", a family that has to keep living, loving and laughing. (and even pooping)
6 comments:
I'm glad you feel free to express you feelings, the deep hurt, the pain and the hope. When it feels like the world is moving on without you, we have not forgotten you. Thank you for sharing, thank you for helping me to be more appreciative of my family and more sensitive to those in pain and grief. We are praying for you....
My dear Andria,
I so know how you feel when you get the death certificate of your child and words really can't explain its horrible feeling. The road to recovery is just as long and winding as the journey you made with Mason. Just remember that we all care for you and your family, we are always here to listen to your broken heart, we are all here to provide what small words of encouragement we can muster for you. I feel your pain and I know your path. I have so many things and experiences I can share with you as a survior of a heavenly child, I will call you soon.
DJ
don't give up journaling! we are still reading and praying...
-jessica
I could not even start to imagine the pain that will continually cut into your days. Sending hugs.
The end of your message brought laughter to my mind: "...a family that has to keep living, loving and laughing. (and even pooping)" Immediately my mind traveled to your journey at St Jude's and the overflowing toilets that kept creeping into your lives. I had visions of replaying your story and everyone's reactions. Let the wonderful memories your heart and mind hold comfort you!
Your written is so heartfelt...and honest! LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! WE ARE WITH YOU
Carrie
Our children died just one day apart. I know just what you mean about the death certificate. My husband picked them up, I won't look at them or touch them.
I come here occasionally to read your thoughts because they so often reflect exactly what I'm feeling. Maybe misery really does love company.
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