We all have our ups and downs. This week finds me more irritated and out of control, like a runaway train going 125 mph. Life. One day happiness exploded inside only everyone around me was down or had some problem; I had to fight for a smile. I am stuck on a line; the bottom of the ocean below and fresh air above. I get close to the surface and another weight gets added. And all my insides want to do is laugh. It is so inappropriate but I just want to laugh.
My mom thinks an anti-depressant is the answer to my laundry piles, etc. I won't even go there. I am not against; but I am not on the bottom of the ocean.
Maybe she forgot what today is. Because today is hard; really there should be a birthday cake with ten candles, ten balloons, a list of friends, a new video game, a song to sing, and a wish to be made. It sucks beyond any words can describe. I get so tired of the numbness that forever is a part of me. I am forever trapped but, I stay safely in the middle; I have balance. Depression the bottom of the ocean, and the air above my salvation.
Last night as I closed my eyes; anger consumed my soul. I had an eerie vision of people floating in the ocean; a terrible vision. It quickly vanished..I guess today I am missing that splash that makes me feel alive. Maybe it's because there are so many kids this week that are losing their battle too. And there is no one throwing them a life jacket. It's out of our reach!! Someone please find a cure.
Mason there is a thousand wishes I have for you. You know I would give you the world. I promised a big celebration at age 10. Should we celebrate, I can't get past the candles..maybe we'll let the gentle breeze blow them out..
Thank you for every second, every breath...
If only I could send you a basket full of strawberries, a gallon of Birthday party ice cream, and the latest greatest any thing your heart desires.
Thank you everyone for Mason's birthday wishes... he can feel the LOVE. Later this week we will collect the cards from the zoo.
5 comments:
You have every right to feel angry, trapped, out of control, sad, happy, and you have every right to LAUGH...out loud even! That's what Mason would want...today and everyday.
BTW...I agree with your mom. Maybe not meds but to talk to someone. Someone who doesn't know your story and someone that can tell you it's okay to feel the way you are feeling.
LOVE YOU GUYS!
Carrie
I wish I could say just the right thing to make it all better. Please know we are holding Mason in our heart today and always. We bring him with us in our hearts and our actions every day. We miss him, we think of him and one day we will all see him again. Laugh when you feel it, laugh like no one is watching or listening. Mason would want you to, especially if something was really funny- like a good burp or a silly joke! ;) We are thinking of you guy always, wishing you comfort and peace.
Hugs and love you all!
Brandie
Andria,
I think this day would be the hardest of all that you will face in this year of firsts. My wish for you and your family is that you be granted the relief you need and the peace you desire.
Kirsten
I wish there were words that would help ease your pain. Love is everlasting to bad life is not. Mason meant a lot to everyone in this world. I think it showed during February when you were collecting valentine cards. People were not only sending that love to Mason but to you and your family to let you know we are out there and we still care. God is in control of everything and will one day ease the pain you are feeling. Mason is looking down trying to confort you close you eyes and I'm sure you'll hear him say mom I love you.
Oh Andria my heart breaks for you. This was hard to read. I had desperately hoped somewhere deep inside there would be this miraculous day of love and laughter, though I knew realistically how difficult a day it would be. You are an amazing, strong woman and mother. I can't comprehend your pain. I don't know what is healthy and what is not. I admire your strength. I believe in you. Get up breathing in the morning and breathe all day and hopefully each day will get easier. Lean on everyone who loves you. Hopefully tomorrow there will be more laughter than tears. I hope you will find a little peace tonight and sleep. (((Hugs)))
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